To everything there is a season

This will be the last entry on this blog.  I am beginning anew and leaving this part of my life behind as part of that fresh start.

The past two years have been unreal. Today, I take the time to reflect on what I have gained, and what I have lost.

I lost my best friend, my partner, my wife, the love of my life.   That she would hurt me so deeply by cheating on me, and then lying over and over and over about it, even when she knew I knew the truth, was more than I could bear.  That she would not only continue on with the affair, but intensify it after I learned of it, truly put me over the edge.  I almost didn’t come back from that.  I contemplated suicide many times.  Sometimes passively. Sometimes actively. I had, what my therapist called, a break from reality.  I was too far gone for far too long.  My meds were no longer effective, and I sought comfort in anti-anxiety meds and alcohol.  They numbed me. I didn’t have to feel anything.  I didn’t WANT to feel anything. And so, I self-medicated.

I gained new strength. Not through alcohol or pills, but through a part-time job I took on, caring for an elderly woman with dementia.  I learned grace. I learned compassion and patience. I learned that forces in the universe often conspire to teach us something about ourselves, just when we think we have ourselves figured out.  Caring for that woman taught me so much about myself.

I lost my sister and my daughter.  I am very okay with that today – more so than I could have thought possible.  I have tucked them into a quiet room in my heart, where I can still love them, but also where they are unable to hurt me any more.  Lisa inhabits that same room with them.  I pushed them out of my life – I own that, but I am also very okay with that.

I have gained an interesting, diverse, and creative group of new friends.  I’m not a huge fan of the “bar scene,” but that doesn’t mean I’m not up once in a while for a get-together at 140 Alex or like venue.

I lost my hopes and dreams, and my plans for the future with Lisa.  The dream of a house on the hill at the farm – one that would be OURS. The dream of a comfortable retirement so that I could be home, taking care of things, while Lisa worked at her job and the farm.  The dream of taking Lisa to Hawaii upon my retirement.  Even the silly dream of having a cat habitat at the new house.  Gone. All gone. Without any dreams or goals, I wandered about aimlessly for almost two years.

I gained total possession of the farm and the tractor, and all of the assets associated with it.  I paid it off with the money I had saved up from tax returns and the sale of personal possessions.  I put it up for sale and, within 2 months sold the farm and the tractor.  I walked away from that with $52,000 in my pocket, WITHOUT having to reimburse Lisa for the $12,000 worth of retirement money she put into the farm as a down payment.  I paid off $40,000 worth of debt, and put the other money into savings.

I gained new furniture, throughout the entire house.  I bought rugs and art and accent pillows and everything that makes a house warm and inviting.   The stink of Lisa and our life together is completely gone now, and this house now carries my personality, and my view of the world.  It is accented with reds and browns and beiges and teals and rich, dark wood.  I even splurged and bought myself a 50 inch Smart TV.  I am sometimes tempted to invite Lisa over to show her how I spent her retirement.  No – I didn’t lose any evil thoughts.

I gained a girlfriend.  Lynn.  I used to tell Lisa that I loved her with my heart, not my head, meaning that I was truly IN love with her with every sense of my being.  I love Lynn, but find myself numb in the heart where she is concerned.  I worry that this means I have lost the ability to love again, that I still have walls and barriers between me and any potential hurt that I could encounter.  But, I’m not going to over think it. I enjoy being with Lynn. I love her (with my head). And for now, I’m just going to enjoy day to day with her.

I gained new strength and determination to look into the future and write that chapter of my life by myself.  Only I can control the direction my life will take.  I can pick and choose what characters will inhabit my story and I will not allow people into my life who cause me pain, stress, or misery.  Having said that, I made the decision to retire early from MCC.  In 2015 I will live off less than half of what I made working, and yet I look forward to this coming year in spite of concerns about money.

I’ve spent a small fortune on getting the house ready to go on the market, and still have some more to go.  In the Spring, I will put the house up for sale and after that, I have nothing to tie me down to any specific place. I will go wherever the universe finds a place for me.

Most importantly, as I look back over the past two years, I can now say that I am finally WHOLE again.  Some of you will find me at my new blog. Most won’t.  But as I close this one out, I do so with the lyrics to a song that I recently heard.

Be well. Be kind to yourselves. Be kind to others. Own your life and your actions. Believe. Question. Love. Laugh. Cry. Sing and dance. Live your life for yourself. Write your own story.

It’s been a long road

Get’n from there to here
It’s been a long time
But my time is finally near

I will see my dreams come alive at last
I will touch the sky
And they’re not gonna hold me down no more
No they’re not gonna change my mind

(Chorus)
‘Cause I’ve got faith of the heart
I’m going where my heart will take me
I’ve got faith to believe
I can do anything
I’ve got strength of the soul
No one’s going to bend nor break me
I can reach any star
I’ve got faith
I’ve got faith
Faith of the heart

Betrayal

loyalty 1

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

loyalty 2

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

loyalty 4

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

loyalty 5

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve let go of the bitterness of my divorce and Lisa’s cheating and lies and deceit.  The one thing I am still working on is the fact that my daughter and my sister chose sides, and didn’t choose mine.

Linda, no big surprise there.  She’s a snot.  She’s always been a snot.  She will always be a snot.

Tammy?  That’s a different story. And I’m still working on that bitterness.

The thing is, I should have seen it for what it was way back when things first broke open.  I questioned why her best friend Cindy (who was also a friend of ours as well) would reach out to Lisa and not to me.  Tammy turned it around to how every time she says goodbye to Cindy, she’s afraid it will be the last time, yadda yadda yadda, ad nauseum. She chose not to address the issue but, rather, deflect it.  God forbid someone say something negative about Cindy.  That was the first red flag – that she DEFENDED Cindy’s betrayal.

Tammy also let it be known right up front that the price of my continued relationship with her was that she was going to remain friends with Lisa.  That hurt, but what could I say or do?  There were other little things, subtle, that made me do a slow burn, but I didn’t say anything.  She’s my sister, right?

But then this summer, when the shit about the equipment on the farm happened, well, that cemented for me that she’s a lying, two-faced hypocrite.  And when I confronted her about it, I got more deflection. “I did this because yesterday my husband was sick and you should feel bad for him even though it has nothing to do with actually addressing the issue.  You’re being an asshole, Pat and I did nothing wrong.”

Well, Tammy, if that helps you live in your little world, you are welcome to live there. With Lisa. And Cindy. You all deserve each other because you are ALL betrayers.  Just don’t turn your backs on each other because, once a cheater/betrayer, always a cheater/betrayer. I’m doing fine in this life without you, but I want you to know that you wounded me deeply – as deeply as Lisa did with her betrayal.  And that, well, it’ll take a long, long time for me to get past that hurt as well, but I will. And I will go on with my life and choose to be happy. I will guard myself much better in the future, thanks to you and Lisa, but I’ll go on, I’ll be strong, and I will thrive.

loyalty 6NOTHING you will ever say or do will un-do the hurt you have inflicted.  I hope you are really happy with yourself.

I’ll survive. I always do. But if you are even HALF the person I used to think you were, you’ll feel badly about this as well.  You’ll realize that you never gave me a chance and that, in fact, you worked hard at avoiding me for months, and especially that day you took the equipment from the farm.

And then you tried to justify it and turn it around on me.  Just like Lisa did.

Lisa made the choices she made all on her own. So did you.

Hypocrisy

Nobody loves a hypocrite.

And yet, hypocrites believe that, for all their ranting and raving, and for all that they say or do, their hypocrisy doesn’t shine brightly for the whole world to see.  It does.  It is a beacon in the night, calling out to the world to stay away, to not trust that individual, to not get sucked in by their bullshit.

In my mind, there are hypocrites, and there is a simple act of hypocrisy.  I believe that the two are vastly different. Sometimes, that single act of hypocrisy does not define the individual. It’s isolated and never repeated.  But then there are the others – the hypocrites – those that live, breathe, eat and shit hypocrisy.

God how I hate hypocrisy.  I hate it so much that, when I realize that someone is a hypocrite, I simply remove them from my life.  This is the newer, stronger, healthier Pat who no longer tolerates hurt and angst, where she has control of it.  I have put people out of my life in the past year – some of whom I have known for most of my life.  I have done so because of their repeated hypocrisy – and it was painful for me to realize what hypocrites they were, but it was also good to realize that it was far healthier for me to eliminate them (and, with that, their hurtful hypocrisy) from my life.

This post was borne of a new act of hypocrisy.

And yes, as my friend Rhiannon says, this is a form of vaguebooking.  But, I needed to get it off my chest.

 

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