It’s been two years since I took this blog offline.

This past spring marked three years since I kicked Lisa out of the house, and began divorce proceedings against her. I would have stuck with it and tried to fix what was broken, but she continued to have the affair and, once the cat was out of the bag, made no attempt to even hide it from me.  This is why I kicked her out.

Basically, I absorbed all of the marital debt, but absorbed all of the marital assets as well, to offset the debt.  The farm, which we both loved so much, and which represented a real dream for us, something to work for, was awarded to me. I sold it and the tractor a month after it went on the market.  I made enough profit to pay off half of the marital debt, and then completely refurnish the entire house – couch, chair, two recliners, a 55″ smart TV and a 60″ smart TV, rug, wall-to-wall carpeting in the family room, new bedroom set, new entertainment centers (3 of them to accommodate the new TVs, and one in my bedroom), new guest room furniture, new washer and dryer, even a new microwave. I purged this house of everything that was “us” or “Lisa” and replaced it.  Finally, this house is ME – what *I* want, in *MY* colors, without having to consult or agree with anyone else.  For the first time in my life, the furnishings in my house don’t scream “Hey, it was cheap and I have kids.”  I even got a new car (leased).  And a new driveway.

I am living very well.  I am off the anti-depressants, have lost 18 lbs. (with a LOT more to go), have gone off one of the two blood pressure meds I was taking, and my cholesterol is down (although not “good” yet).  I walk every morning for 40 minutes and, if I can’t walk outside, I can do loops inside the house, and try to hit no less than 10,000 steps a day. For a while there, I was averaging 15,000-17,000 a day. Until my ankle started bothering me.  It’s from the walking, pretty sure about that, but will know more after I see the orthopedist next month.  In the meantime, I’m not getting in a quality number of steps, but I remain committed to losing the weight and trying to find another way to get that cardio in – there are lots of ways. I just need to find a rhythm.

I had a mild heart attack early on into the divorce nightmare. Probably brought on by stress and anxiety, but being overweight certainly has to be factored in as well.  Then there were the anxiety meds and the trial and error trying to find the right anti-depressants in the right doses.  I was dangerously teetering on the edge of oblivion when we found the right combo.

My doctor is pleased, not only with my weight loss, but with my blood work as well.  It’s still not “excellent” down the line, but vastly improved. I sometimes have to remind myself that I didn’t get this way overnight and I sure as hell am not going to “un-get” this way overnight, either.

I retired just shy of two years ago – that was the last of the angst and rage and stress and anxiety in my life. My boss had become such a petulant, childish fucktard that I just couldn’t take any more. I retired nine months earlier than my original target date – I was critically low on income for those nine months but, with some good money management and cutting out unnecessary stuff (like satellite TV), I made it through until my Army retirement kicked in 9 months after I retired.

But more than anything, I’m happy. Well, as happy as I think I can be in my circumstance. I laugh a lot here alone in the house – sometimes at myself, sometimes at the cats, sometimes at life in general. But as I do my housework or repairs or other activities, I find myself singing and just enjoying whatever I am doing.

I weathered the storm.

I lost a lot, too.  More than I gained, for sure.  I contemplated suicide many times – mostly passively, but on a few occasions I strongly felt that my death would make life so much better for people that I love – the pain was more than I could bear and, as it turned out, I didn’t have much of a support system. What little I did have turned out to be people who were good at words, but fell far short on meaning what they said.  They’re gone from my life now, and since the storm clouds have all cleared away from my life, the sun is shining again, even without them around. I miss them, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t need them and their hypocrisy or disloyalty.

One of those people was my therapist.  I had gotten to the point where every time I left therapy, I was at the very least, irked with her. Sometimes I was angry.  Why? Well, not because of certain truths I had to face, but because as I was talking, she’d cut me off with her bullshit about “people don’t MAKE you feel something…”  Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get that, but shut the fuck up and let me finish what I’m trying to say and THEN we can discuss my language, if it’s really all that necessary.  The proverbial straw was the last session I went to. I was telling her about a dream I had – a community of older people, all working together to make the community run and survive. She cut me off, mid-sentence, to tell me “I’m not sure you have the kind of personality that would allow you to work with people that way.”

What the blue FUCK?

I picked up my keys, stood up and said “Thank you for shitting on my dream. I think I’m through with you,” and I left.  She called later on to apologize, but I let that go to voicemail (passive-aggressive, I know). I had an emotional “meltdown” when I got home. I suspect I was finally feeling the deep-rooted emotions of having lost my wife, my sister, and my daughter in the divorce, along with my hopes and dreams.  I have not been back – it’s been a year and a half since that incident.  I think the “meltdown” purged a lot of shit from my system because I have felt like I’m running on all cylinders again since then.

I’ve been seeing a woman for a little over two years now – Lynn. We’re really more like friends than girlfriends, and she recently told me that she wants “more romance” in our relationship. Pretty sure I had a deer-in-the-headlights look on my face because I don’t want a relationship with her that ends in “happily ever after.” I’m content seeing her a couple of times a week, and chatting over Facebook messenger every day. I think I’m more emotionally distant than she would like, and I don’t know how to fix that.  I don’t know if I want to fix that.

I’m looking for property to buy. I would really like to build a house, something that has what *I* want as opposed to something *CLOSE* to what I want.  I want at least 5 acres so that I can raise chickens and maybe have a couple or a few goats.  I want a single story house with a master suite that WOWS me. I want no more than 3 bedrooms total. I want a big country kitchen with an island. I would really like a property that has town/city water and sewer, as well as cable TV (for high speed internet).

I’m not restricting my search to any one particular area. I have looked as far south as West Virginia, as far east as Vermont, and as far west as Iowa.  I can go anywhere I want, anywhere I find the ideal property. So, I guess what I’m saying is that I have new hopes and dreams – nobody to share them with, but also nobody to crush them either.

The lyrics to a song by Clay Aiken sort of sum this post up:

I can look in the mirror now.
It’s been a slow awakening.
Haunted by a heart full of you, couldn’t help mistaking.
That you could ever care for anyone.
Anyone but yourself. Hey.
But you would have to have a conscience baby.
Good luck I wish you well.

I survived the crash.
Survived the burn.
Survived the worst, yeah baby, but I learned.
Survived the lies.
Survived the blues.
Almost killed me, but I survived the truth.
And when you wrote me off like I was doomed
I survived you.

This heart has been torn in two.
Cut and bruised.
With too many bitter endings.
I’ll be damned if I have thoughts of you
Rain on my new beginning.

I survived the crash.
Survived the burn.
Survived the worst, yeah baby, but I learned.
Survived the lies.
Survived the blues.
Almost killed me, but I survived the truth.
And when you wrote me off like I was doomed
I survived you.

 

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