Seems sleep these past few days is nothing but a struggle.

I’m up at 2:30 am, while my girl sleeps. Honestly, I’d rather be there with her but my restlessness was disturbing her, so here I am.

I got an offer on the farm tonight, and sent a counter offer back. Thinking now about how and when this will allow me to retire, but also how that will affect my income. Will I need to work anyway until next year when the army retirement kicks in?

If I retire now, I take an 18% hit on my retirement. If I wait until next year, it’s only 12% (because I’m under 62). If I wait, I can still take the proceeds from the sale of the farm, pay off more than half of that marital debt I assumed, and rest easy until August of next year, which was the original plan.

Then there’s Lynn. We miss each other so much when we’re apart. Retirement would afford me the opportunity to…what? See more of her, most likely. But perhaps my troubled mind is more about that future with Lynn than my financial woes.

We talked a little tonight about the potential for a long-term relationship.  Certainly she has worked so hard for the past decade to be ready for one. I worry that I may need to do more work before that happens. I have been deliriously happy with Lynn. I truly love her very much. After what happened with Lisa, I thought it would be another whole lifetime before I could ever love or trust someone, but Lynn has made that so easy for me.  I keep trying not to over think all of this, but I think it’s in my nature to do just that. Maybe all I’m feeling is that whole “lesbian urge to merge.” But honestly, all I can come up with, with absolute certainty, is that we are a couple of aging lesbians that just want to go out of this life with some happiness.

Deep inside her, I believe Lynn is very afraid of losing her independence and sense of self that she has scrabbled and scratched and fought so hard for.  Financially, though, she’s in a world of hurt with Social Security being her only income.  I can take care of her, but will she lose that sense of independence if I do? I don’t think she wants me to take care of her, and she’s the kind of person who feels like she isn’t contributing enough. Of course, I could never put a value on what her love and companionship would mean to me, but I don’t think she’d accept that as reasonable enough.

She’s very close with her kids, and I think there is hesitation on that front as well because what I keep leaving unsaid is that I’m likely to not want to settle back in Palmyra. I started out there 25 years ago, and hated it. It reminds me too much of Bath, and my life there.  And I hated myself there.  I don’t want to live within the confines of Rochester any more either.  I want a little piece of land someplace that we can live on, have a small vegetable garden, maybe some chickens, and not have the world pressing in around us on all fronts.

Lynn’s kids seem to be very devoted to her, and I can’t take her away from that life that she has had with them all these years. I wouldn’t want to. But I also don’t want to live on top of them (like she does right now – and that suits her needs right now).

Look at me. Worrying about what could be instead of focusing on what IS.

  • I have a wonderful woman in my life who loves me.
  • I have a wonderful woman in my life with whom I am not only in love, but deliriously happy.
  • Lisa is so far behind me that it often feels like decades have passed since she was part of my life.
  • I have a good job that pays me very well. I have a secure future with two retirements. Not many people can say that.
  • I have good people in my life who treat me with respect, love, and dignity. Most importantly, I have a “best friend,” something I’ve never had before.
  • I laugh a lot these days.

There’s more, but I think I’ve talked myself out of this funk and may be able to sleep now.

 

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