sleepI’m actually sleeping a bit better these days, all things considered.  If you look at the image, it shows that I did quite well last night.  It took me a while to get to sleep, and then I really only had two instances where I moved or was restless.  The rest of the gunk at the right was after the alarm went off and I wailed on the snooze button for a half hour or so.  I think my system has finally wrapped itself around the new meds.  I feel focused, energized, and for the most part, I have a good sense of peace and well-being overall.  In spite of the continued bullshit at work, that is.  I haven’t cried in a couple of weeks now.  I’ve had some closure with the whole nightmare with Lisa and that has positioned me, at least I think, to move forward and be healthy.  I am also confidently at peace with the decision to remove both Linda and Tammy from my life, at least in the here and now.  Down the road, who knows?

I have spoken extensively with my therapist about Linda and Tammy (and yes, exhaustively about Lisa) and she completely validates my feelings about the situation with both.  Linda – well, Linda is just Linda.  Always has been, always will be.  She has hated me for so long, I think she forgot why she started hating me.  And since then, has worked very hard to find ways to find fault with everything I do.  She intentionally hurts people with her words and her actions and, when she does, woe to the person who acts hurt or tells her they are hurt because she deflects everything back onto them.  It’s an endless, vicious cycle. And it’s a cycle I choose to break by not engaging in it any more.

Tammy let it be known right up front, when I first learned Lisa had been cheating on me, that the price of my continued relationship with her was to accept that she was Lisa’s friend and would stay that way.  The inference was that if I didn’t like it, there would be no relationship with Tammy.  In effect, she chose sides as well – much like Linda did.  She talks about betrayal as if she is a victim of it, and yet is a perpetrator of it – and to more than just me.

I deserve better.  I deserve loyalty – not blind loyalty, but the kind of loyalty that sees those that purport to love me standing by my side without conditions and without strings attached.

Rhiannon has been fiercely loyal to me, which is really odd because we haven’t really known each other all that long.  I helped her with her move to Buffalo on Saturday (along with others) and find that, while I know that this move is going to be so good for her, I miss her already.  It’s weird to not have her text me “Pandemic and wine?” and expect me to just drop everything and come over – which I often did.  And my God, how she would harangue me until I agreed to come over within the next couple of days!  It is said that when one door closes another opens.  I closed the door on Linda and Tammy, and in doing so, Rhiannon’s door opened and there she was, bigger than life, dragging me out of my cocoon, forcing me to live.  What I loved most about her is that, when I had my head up my ass about Lisa, she’d literally yank it out, and in that no-bullshit-honest-to-a-fault way let me know that it was unacceptable.  What’s funny about that is that she’s just not a nurturer – and yet, she has this way about her that tells you that she cares, deeply, and she doesn’t have to say a single word.  Yeah, I’m going to miss her.  Buffalo isn’t all that far away, but I sure as hell can’t drive there after I get out of work at 7:00, play a game of Pandemic, and be home to be in bed at a decent time on a work night.

Then there’s Anne.  She seems to be pushing quite hard for me to make a decision on relationship or no relationship.  I mean – I just met her. I like her. A lot. Oddly enough, if she wasn’t a smoker, I think that last night would have ended a whole lot differently.  So it’s just the smoking with her – and is that really a deal breaker?  I have to think about that.  I worked very hard to get that 600 lb. gorilla off my back and was thrilled to death when Lisa did the same.  But, the smell….

Then there’s Lynn.  So sweet and such a wickedly funny sense of humor.  But she’s older than I – by about 5 or 6 years, and is diabetic, has COPD and other health issues.  The narcissist egomaniac in me says I don’t want to spend my future as a nursemaid for my partner.  I want to LIVE with whomever I end up and not start off with the health issues.  God, I’m being really judgmental about Lynn, I think.  But I keep hearing Philippa say “You have to do healthy things for you and if you have the sense that the relationship has the potential to not be healthy [pardon the pun here], then you need to re-evaluate.”

Then there’s the Facebook group, where Joyce and Barb are forever sending me messages wanting to meet up – and some of the messages are very suggestive.  Barb lives in Buffalo and Joyce in Syracuse.  I’m not interested in long-range relationships.  Mary also sends me messages and has come to the farm to help out here and there and has indicated that she’s interested, but she’s a baby for Chrissake!  Even if it was just a roll in bed, it would just be too weird.  I told her I have a standard – no relationships with anyone younger than ANY of my kids. Or my shoes.

I need to talk with Philippa about whether I am intentionally finding things “wrong” with these women because maybe, deep down, I’m afraid to try to love again.

I have these five women at various levels of interest, and yet my thoughts always return to Lisa.  Part of it is the familiarity. Part of it is that I’m still letting go.  Part of it is that, no matter how hard I try not to, I still love her.  She promised me forever.  I worry that I may not believe in forever again with anyone else.