I love technology.

As anyone who knows me can testify, I have always had a passion for the latest gadgets.   Television, stereo, appliances, phones, you name it, I’ve bought it and had the latest, greatest edition of it.  I have an affinity for technology and find myself easily adaptable to any and all changes in technology.

Except voice recognition software — that’s where technology and I seriously part ways.

I reach up and tap the button on my state-of-the-art Bluetooth.  The exchange goes something like this:

VRT (in a pleasant voice) “Please say a command”

ME: “Call Lisa Mobile”

VRT: “Call Lisa work?”

ME, carefully enunciating every syllable: “Call Lisa MOBILE,”

VRT, still very pleasantly: “Call Lisa home?”

ME, snidely “NO, I didn’t ASK for you to call Lisa at home!”

VRT: I’m sorry, I don’t recognize that command. Please say a command.

ME, loudly in staccato: “CALL. LEE. SA. MO. BIL.”

VRT, still in that infuriatingly pleasant and condescending tone: “Call Lisa Work?”  I’m pretty sure I can “hear” her smirking in there.

ME, ready to blow a gasket by now: “Are you hard of hearing or just stupid? I said “CALL LISA MOBILE!”

“I’m sorry, I don’t recognize that command. Please say a command.”

ME: “Oh fer Chrissake I’ll just dial it myself, ya moron!”

VRT: I’m sorry…

Damn skippy you’re sorry.  *CLICK*

Our excellent telecommunications folks here at work have provided me with some of the neatest, coolest, latest toys to help them test out.  My new Cisco IP Phone (model 7945) has a nice color LED display with customizable backgrounds and ring tones.  My voice mail system is all driven by, you guessed it, Voice Recognition Technology.

This morning, I dialed the Voice Mail line for the Help Desk to see what messages came in over the weekend.  It went something like this:

VM: You have 9 new messages. First new message: “Yeah, this is so-and-so and my printer doesn’t work here in room 5-014 and I need someone to come and fix it.”

ME (after taking notes): Delete.

VM: Deleted. Next message: Yeah, this is professor so and so and my grade book isn’t updating in Angel.”

ME: Forward

VM: Where would you like to forward this call?

ME: Sue Smith

VM: Sorry, can’t find that name in the directory. Where would you like to forward this call?

ME (experiencing deja vu): SUE. SMITH.

VM: Sorry, can’t find that name in the directory. Where would you like to forward this call?

ME: Sue Smith — she’s right there in the directory.

VM: Sorry, can’t find that name in the directory. Where would you like to forward this call?

By now, I’m thinking “The Hell with this, I’ll send Sue Smith an email and let her know this guy called us.”

ME: Delete

VM: I’m sorry, that’s not a valid command.  For a list of voice commands, say “Options.”

ME: Options

VM lists options available in the “forward” menu.  None of them are “Go Back” or “Delete.”

ME, taking a stab in the dark: GO BACK!

VM: Please say a command

ME, softly: Oh my freakin’ God — are you kidding me?

VM: I’m sorry, I don’t recognize that command. For a list of commands…

ME: Are you the same dumb bitch that works in my Bluetooth by any chance?

VM: I’m sorry, I don’t recognize that command.

ME: Kiss my ass.

VM: I’m sorry, I don’t recognize that command.

ME: I hate you.

VM: I’m sorry, I don’t recognize that command.

ME: GOTOHELLYOUPIECEOFSHIT!

VM: Going back to main menu.

ME: Wait. What? What did I say that made you go back?

VM: I’m sorry, I don’t recognize that command.

The shrink says that if I continue to improve, and stop yelling “I’m sorry, I don’t recognize that command” to everyone who comes into my room, I may be able to go home next week.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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