I dreamed last night that I was going to get divorced from my (now ex-)husband.
It seems that I have three basic recurring dreams.
The first, and most common, is being back in school and, having skipped so many classes, I don’t even remember what class is scheduled for what time and, since the end of the year is rapidly approaching, I have a lot of work to catch up on. But, because I don’t know what time the class is, I can’t get the information I need to catch up on the work. In reality, I did, in fact, hook an awful lot of my senior year. My grades were good enough that I graduated anyway, but I’m amused that I still seem to be somewhat troubled by that 35 years later.
The second very common one is being in the Army again and being sent back to Okinawa for what I describe as a fourth tour there. I actually spent two tours there in the 70s. I look back at those days “on the rock” with pleasure, actually. We really enjoyed our work there (as a collective whole) and, because our unit was so small, and the installation was so small, it tended to be a somewhat close-knit community. More about that some other day.
The third theme usually revolves around still being married to my ex and having problem after problem — last night’s dream, I think, is the first time I’ve dreamed that an end is in sight.
Lisa claims that she doesn’t dream. I think, more accurately, she doesn’t remember her dreams. Sometimes, during the night, I’ll hear her talking — sometimes in a whisper, sometimes out loud. If she’s talking, she’s got to be dreaming, right?
I’ve heard that dreams are often a manifestation of our innermost desires. If that’s the case, then apparently I’m still wanting to be so far behind in school that I can’t catch up, heading to Okinawa and still trapped in a shitty marriage. Uh…I don’t think I subscribe to that particular philosophy.
I’ve heard that dreams can be a manifestation of memories of major events in our lives. This is probably closer to true, on the surface.
While I hooked most of my senior year, I knew deep inside that I was putting myself in jeopardy of not being able to graduate. But, I just couldn’t see my way clear to staying in school for an entire day. Fast forwarding to the present, I sometimes feel like I’m so far behind on things I need to do, I’ll never catch up. It seems I’m always reacting rather than doing through organization. Perhaps my subconscious is telling me to get more organized.
As I said before, I (we) enjoyed our tours in Okinawa — we look back on those days fondly, those of us that served there. I’ve managed to hook up with some folks I knew back in the day. Rodger and Sharon C. were good friends of ours from our first tour in Okinawa. My ex and I used to go to Rodger and Sharon’s house after our swing (3-11) shift and play spades…almost every night. They had a little girl at the time, Jennifer, who my ex used to call his “little taco.” When we left Okinawa, we went to San Antonio and, a year later, Rodger and Sharon joined us there. We were sent back to Okinawa and, a year later, Rodger and Sharon joined us there. From there we went to Fort Devens, MA and, a year later, Rodger and Sharon joined us there. We re-upped for Hawaii and, when we left Fort Devens in 1983, we left Rodger and Sharon behind, never to be stationed with them again. We met Joy and Kenny P. our second tour in Okinawa and became fast friends and, like our first tour with Rodger and Sharon, found ourselves together with Joy and Kenny a lot, playing cards, hanging out together, doing the whole Okinawa thing.
Then, of course, there was the marriage to LeRoy. (Yep, you read that right, LeRoy.) Let me make it abundantly clear that my sexuality had nothing to do with the failure of our marriage. In the first place, I got married for the wrong reasons. I was in love with a woman but I tried stuffing that size 16 problem into a size 8 niche in my psyche. I married LeRoy and we enjoyed a good companionship and had a normal, healthy sex life. It was his aloofness and his macho pride that hurt our relationship so much, I think. When we separated, someone said to me “Gosh, Pat, it must be hard being a single parent,” to which I responded “Hell, I was a single parent even when I was married!” LeRoy was attentive as far as the physical and material needs of his wife and children but, where emotional and psychological needs were concerned, he was distant, uninterested, and lacking. I woke up one morning and realized that I couldn’t raise happy and well-adjusted children if I was unhappy myself.
As far as the marriage dream is concerned, I also wonder if my subconscious is manifesting some resentment toward Lisa right now and re-creating my bad marriage with LeRoy to represent that resentment. Since she’s been out of work (about 3 months now) she seems to have fallen into a sort of depressive state. I honestly don’t feel that, if I’m at work and she’s at home, I should have to come home and clean the house or wash dishes or do laundry. When the tables were turned and I took time off from work while she couldn’t, I always made sure the house was clean, picked up, dinner ready when she got home from work. She has stopped getting up in the mornings with me — it’s been a long time since she did that. Now, she sleeps until 10:00 or so, and then gets involved in fix-it projects around the house, neglecting the day-to-day care that is required to keep a house running. I suppose, eventually, I ‘ll have to say something but I also wonder to myself if I’m just being a tad too demanding and not very understanding. I’m not sure.
At any rate, surprisingly enough, while I remember the dream, I’m not at all unsettled by it. Given my past history and the nightmares I suffered through for so long (before some AWESOME hypnosis helped out), this is pretty darned lightweight, in the scheme of things.
How about you? Do you have any recurring themes in dreams?