Seems sleep these past few days is nothing but a struggle.

I’m up at 2:30 am, while my girl sleeps. Honestly, I’d rather be there with her but my restlessness was disturbing her, so here I am.

I got an offer on the farm tonight, and sent a counter offer back. Thinking now about how and when this will allow me to retire, but also how that will affect my income. Will I need to work anyway until next year when the army retirement kicks in?

If i retire now, i take an 18% hit on my retirement. If I wait until next year, it’s only 12% (because I’m under 62). If I wait, I can still take the proceeds from the sale of the farm, pay off more than half of that marital debt I assumed, and rest easy until August of next year, which was the original plan.

Then there’s Lynn. We miss each other so much when we’re apart. Retirement would afford me the opportunity to…what? See more of her, most likely. But perhaps my troubled mind is more about that future with Lynn than my financial woes.

We talked a little tonight about the potential for a long-term relationship.  Certainly she has worked so hard for the past decade to be ready for one. I worry that I may need to do more work before that happens. I have been deliriously happy with Lynn. I truly love her very much. After what happened with Lisa, I thought it would be another whole lifetime before I could ever love or trust someone, but Lynn has made that so easy for me.  I keep trying not to over think all of this, but I think it’s in my nature to do just that. Maybe all I’m feeling is that whole “lesbian urge to merge.” But honestly, all I can come up with, with absolute certainty, is that we are a couple of aging lesbians that just want to go out of this life with some happiness.

Deep inside her, I believe Lynn is very afraid of losing her independence and sense of self that she has scrabbled and scratched and fought so hard for.  Financially, though, she’s in a world of hurt with Social Security being her only income.  I can take care of her, but will she lose that sense of independence if I do? I don’t think she wants me to take care of her, and she’s the kind of person who feels like she isn’t contributing enough. Of course, I could never put a value on what her love and companionship would mean to me, but I don’t think she’d accept that as reasonable enough.

She’s very close with her kids, and I think there is hesitation on that front as well because what I keep leaving unsaid is that I’m likely to not want to settle back in Palmyra. I started out here 25 years ago, and hated it. It reminds me too much of Bath, and my life there.  And I hated myself there.  I don’t want to live within the confines of Rochester any more either.  I want a little piece of land someplace that we can live on, have a small vegetable garden, maybe some chickens, and not have the world pressing in around us on all fronts.

Lynn’s kids seem to be very devoted to her, and I can’t take her away from that life that she has had with them all these years. I wouldn’t want to. But I also don’t want to live on top of them (like she does right now – and that suits her needs right now).

Look at me. Worrying about what could be instead of focusing on what IS.

  • I have a wonderful woman in my life who loves me.
  • I have a wonderful woman in my life with whom I am not only in love, but deliriously happy.
  • Lisa is so far behind me that it often feels like decades have passed since she was part of my life.
  • I have a good job that pays me very well. I have a secure future with two retirements. Not many people can say that.
  • i have good people in my life who treat me with respect, love, and dignity. Most importantly, I have a “best friend,” something I’ve never had before.
  • i laugh a lot these days.

There’s more, but I think I’ve talked myself out of this funk and may be able to sleep now.

 

Habit

I think we are all creatures of habit.  We like structure, order, and routine even though we say we don’t.

Every single morning, my clock radio goes off at 6:20.  Marti Casper Meyers is (was) the morning personality.  I loved listening to her talk about life.  She was real, funny, and maybe just a tad bit irreverent (but never disrespectful).  When I am getting ready in the morning, I know what I should be doing when the news comes on, or Hollywood Bytes, or any of the other things she always did on a schedule.  She kept me on time every morning.

Sure, anyone else can keep me on schedule, but Marti did it because I actually LISTENED to her. She’s a mother. An athlete. A spin instructor. Someone who constantly works for a better cause than a paycheck. A consummate professional who gave everything she had – including family time – in order to do the job of morning DJ on WFKL 93.3 (Fickle 93.3).

And today, she got “restructured” out of a job.

I just restructured the dial on all of my radios. No more Fickle 93.3.  In an age of playlists and electronics integration in cars, it would seem to me that these types of decisions would be very carefully thought out because people don’t really like change. People listen to certain radio stations for a reason.  As I told Marti, I have no loyalty to any radio station.  It is the radio personality that makes or breaks my listening experience.  As it is, I only listened to the radio in the mornings because I liked listening to Marti.  I did NOT like listening to the jackass that was on the air on my ride home.  He uses “that’s so gay” as an expression, and doesn’t GET how offensive it is.

I have more than 600 hours of music that can be played in my car.  I’ll be doing just that.

As far as I’m concerned, they just changed their name from Fickle 93.3 to Fuckoff 93.3.

Getting my voice

I’m trying really hard not to over think my relationship with Lynn. I am really enjoying just going with it and not looking too far down the road.

But last night we talked a bit about my marriage to Lisa, and the fact that just 5 or 6 short weeks ago I was still crying a lot.  A couple of things happened, though.

1.)  My doctor changed my medication.  I was really losing my grip and felt myself getting a bit out of control with regard to emotions and my anger and bitterness with regard to all that had happened in my life.  The Prozac wasn’t touching anything, not even at a higher level.  So, I got switched back over to Wellbutrin Sustained Release.  It’s basically what I took when I quit smoking 16 years ago and to which I responded very well.  I now feel focused, energetic, and have passion for those things I love (a passion for which I lacked).

2.) I have my divorce in hand.  I had really put far too much importance on having that signed document in my hand.  As long as I didn’t have it, I had no control over my future in some regards.  I told my therapist that I couldn’t plan any further ahead than the next month’s billing cycle without that signed and certified copy of divorce.  The day it came in the mail, I skipped up the driveway, deliriously happy that it had finally arrived.  Then I went inside the house and sat down and cried.  It was the finality of it all, I think.

And so I have closed out that chapter in my book of life. The book hasn’t ended – it just needs a new chapter, and as before, I am in control of how the story goes, and what characters to include.  There will be some of the same characters from previous chapters, and some new ones.

I love that it’s starting with this beautiful story of finding Lynn, and slowly growing to love her – I DO love her!  And for now, that’s enough, to just simply love her.  I spend the night at her place a lot. I like being there. Her place is intimate, inviting, whimsical, and carefree. I feel like I’m in a different world there – one where there aren’t any day to day stressors of work, family, bills, and other adult responsibilities.  Of course, any environment is what we make of it, but I prefer to see Lynn’s cute little apartment as a refuge from life.

I try to stay away, not be there so much, but the two of us are so miserable when we’re not together, that I don’t often succeed in doing so.  She has cleaned out a drawer in her bedroom for me to keep some extra clothes and other supplies in.  (Giving up a drawer? THAT is love!)

I absolutely cannot stop hugging and kissing her.  We often embrace for long periods of time, swaying to whatever music might be in our heads at that moment, and without saying much of anything, if anything at all.  It’s not a frantic, fuel filled passionate thing – it’s a quiet, sweet, gentle love which extends into our lovemaking.  Afterward, spent, we just fall asleep holding each other and often, in the night, I will wake up and find that we haven’t moved at all.

I am simply amazed at how over my marriage to Lisa I am.  I see it as I would see a treasured piece of pottery that has been broken and, despite the best efforts of everyone to glue it back together, it’s not salvageable and the painful decision is made to throw it out.  Once that’s done, it’s either replaced, or the empty space in which it once resided gets filled with something else, even if its just dust.  I have been absolutely in love with P!nk throughout this whole thing, as her music speaks so much to me.  There’s a lyric that goes “Where there’s desire there is gonna be a flame, where there is a flame someone’s bound to get burned. But just because it burns doesn’t mean you’re gonna die, you gotta get up and try and try and try.”

Yeah, I’m going to try with this just as it is for right now. We’re both filling a need for each other and, for now, I believe, we are happy with having those needs met.  I think we both secretly want forever out of this, but are afraid to give voice to that, lest we jinx this beautiful thing we have.  But, I’m sayin’ it here. I could do forever with this wonderful woman who was sent to me by the universe.

As P!nk says, “…it looks warm in the rabbit hole that I could go down with [her].” So, yeah, I’m okay with going down that rabbit hole with her.

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